We are headed to IL for the holidays and I will be in the car for 12 hours tomorrow. A road trip is not a good place to try to get your eating back on track, but I fear I have no choice. I need to start today. Start changing the way I eat again, getting back to the gentle but quick walks that I was taking with the dogs outside instead of the vigorous elliptical sessions I was putting myself through for 5 or 6 weeks. I don't think my body can handle that level of intensity. I pushed myself too far. I need to get back to gentle stretching, yoga, walking, meditating, drinking water and tea, kinder foods.
I am responsible for the flare up that I am dealing with. I did it all to myself. I am the only one that can turn it around. I must do it to get my pain level down from a 8 to 10 to more of a 2 to 4, which is livable. Pain is with me daily, but normally just a whisper. I don't mind the whisper anymore. I've kind of accepted it as part of who I am.
Today, it's screams. Sheeting nerve pain over most areas of my skin, which makes clothing uncomfortable. Fatigue in my muscles to the point that I can't hold an arm up for more than a few seconds without shooting pain through the muscles, meaning folding my laundry is a slow process. And muscular pain from just putting my arm on a table or the way my leg sits on the chair or the way my feet sit on the floor. Holding a coffee cup is a two-handed job. I don't really ever talk about the details of what the pain is like, but putting it in writing somehow makes it less dark. It can't hide in the closet anymore.
I want to scream.
I have been in tears all day.
Living this way is not a life.
I'm moving into the third week of this and as time ticks on, thoughts get skewed. I am not at risk of doing anything stupid, because I can separate the thought from the action, but if I knew that the rest of my life would be spent like this, I don't know that I could do it.
Many years ago, I stopped talking to other people that have fibromyalgia because they want to compare notes about how horrible it is instead of swapping ideas on how to feel better. At this point, I feel like I need to reach out to the community to find some support. I don't want to go back on medication though.. that was no life. I was a zombie.
This blog isn't really tiny life related, but it's my life and right now I felt compelled to write about it.